2024, you feeling me?

A list of 12 feelings.

Dear 2024, I will do my very best to live my best life.

Fireworks at my extended family's home in Oyster Bay, Dar es Salaam.

Some things are out of our control, that I know. We make plans and God laughs, yeah, but we all know God laughs out of love. To look back at 2023 through my feelings, here is a list of 12 of them and the situations that evoked them.

Sad/Afraid/Hopeless

I remember tasting my salty tears as they fell once I read a text from my sister on how my dad's dementia was getting worse, like packing his bags saying he's going home while he is home.

Excited/Surprised/Happy

If dopamine had a taste, then I guess it's like the sugar from a “tende” fruit eaten under the Ramadan moon. That's the kind of sugar I felt in my body when I jumped from the yellow leather sofa on a lazy afternoon, when my favorite football team scored against their opponents in the 90th minute.

Daring/Brave

My toes would still wriggle when I imagine the cold I felt dipping my foot in the swimming pool and saying to myself “I'm not afraid of the waters.”

Freedom/Joy/Fulfilment

The freedom I found singing “If I ain't got you” by Alicia Keys at the café. Gosh it used to be myself in the room, now it's strangers swaying their heads with the beat.

Cynicism/In-love/Loved

Admitting being cynical when someone (especially a guy) used the words like “I” and “Love” or “Like” and then adding “You” at the end. Last year I heard it and it didn't sound cynical. I'm still learning how to allow myself to be loved.

Carefree/Anxious

That feeling of happiness and anxiety getting lost in a place you don't know. I got lost in spicy smelling corners of a small town across the ocean, being all by myself. For a moment, nothing in the world mattered, just me and my little island.

Needy/Grateful

The feeling of your body having more than one person in itself, that happened when for my first time ever, having a donor’s blood running in my vessels. How badly we need each other as humans, your very breath is sustaining another.

Angry

When I thought period was over only to find dark red stains on my blue bedsheet (PS; every girl/woman is a hero, Period)

Shocked/Disappointed

Never in all my doubts and dreams, my facts and fictions, did I think I could ever be discontinued from college. The letter was bolded in black and thick print ink, with the university’s final decision, to let me go. It wasn't anything disciplinary, but more of what I didn't do, academically (because of some incorrect information I relied on). Truly anything in life can happen.

Betrayed

When a friend made it sound so special that we were going to see a film together, up until I found myself alone in the theater hall. The film was beautiful, nonetheless.

Belonging/Safety

Rooftop bar, sun-setting and welcoming all the little lights of the big city. An evening with two very inspiring special women, was all I needed to remind me there's community for me out there. There's a place for me. I can belong.

Seen/Heard/Understood

My bestie and I at the woody looking café, sunrise surprise smoothie and mint tea, and the samosa we shared, and all the conversation. Something I will like to remember forever.

It's all more complex than what is written here. My heart is all open for whatever 2024 has in store for me to feel. This is a reminder to look at your own feelings and reflect on what evoked them. You can follow my example as a guide and start from there, or do whatever that feels right for you.

Feeling alongside you, happy 2024!