September to November, months that made me the angriest this year. I have been drifting away in my own thoughts, my mind either imagining a “see! we made it through” future or ruminating over some past lost opportunities and bad choices made. If a person’s body could start to disappear because they are spending a lot of time in their heads, I’m not sure if I could’ve been seen anymore, long gone phantom. Sometimes my body feels like it’s begging for attention, for me to be with it, here in the physical. So I decided to imagine an excerpt from the journal that my body writes in, words dedicated to me. I even thought of doing it like a series: excerpts from my body’s journal. So here is a little bit of it.
“Dear home,
Here I am, your full body, built over the last 22 years. I wanted to say I’m sorry, for being so stressed enough to make us miss some morning walks on the bridge. I am here whenever you want to come back to it. I won’t let our beautiful black fingers touch on snooze. Your friend comments on how tired we look these days, does it show that much? But trust me you have been treating me just fine.
You feed me great, and I have even been so impressed on how you have kept discipline with the regimen ever since we were discharged from the hospital. I haven’t seen tea flowing down this gut in like forever, only water and some select juices for drinks, I can live with that. By the way, the new blood cells that moved in are in full swing, you could even go back to biking if you want, we are sure there’s enough blood now for you to put the heart back to some aerobics.
I have also noticed how you are careful with making us feel so comfortable in our clothes, very soft fabrics that are sensory friendly. Do buy that flower patterned wrap-skirt you usually imagine yourself in, it will look and feel so good on us, I promise. Thank you for putting me to bed in quite good timing, and yes I forgive you for the times you deprive me of sleep because you want to watch another late football match. Last for now, thank you for those before bed showers. They usually calm this nervous system and the playlist that is usually on, that Vance Joy’s guitar intro on Don’t fade, goes down to the spine.
Love,
Yours bony and fleshy,
-Body. “
When your mind feels too much for you to carry, ask your body to write you a little note. Your body knows how to carry you.