Shared definitions
What do we really mean when we use the word “love”
I used to fear that I understood love differently, like I was making a big deal out of sentiments other people didn’t.
I like to search for meaning behind what people say or what they do. Some part of me is obsessed with thinking that everything said and done could have a root, and it can be exhausting sometimes having a mind that struggles to rest without making meaning out of things. A lot of things won’t make sense, I am learning how to be at peace with mysteries while keeping the ones that do make sense in my back pocket, just to keep myself grounded.
In the recent years of my life, the word Love has been the most familiar and yet the most vague in meaning. I have always sensed there was confusion among people when it came to this word, but not until I read bell hooks book all about love, did it feel like meeting someone else who was aware of this confusion, and was willing to talk about it.
What do we really mean when we say we Love?
Asking this question is getting to the roots of things, it is a way of trying to find meaning. And as bell hooks shares, defining what love means to us is the starting point to knowing love. Many times I have felt like I overreacted when people used the word love, and here I’m referring to when they say they love someone in a way that shows they want to establish something meaningful. I have been disappointed in people for not living up to what they promised to be love, but again, I have thought of having a confused meaning when it comes to it and then I took a step back from being disappointed in them. Could love taste like dark-chocolate to some and milk-chocolate to others?
We can’t know unless we start with the question, what do we mean when we say we love. In her book, bell hooks shares many profound elements of what it means to love, and here are the highlights of some lessons I got about love;
Love is a verb, it is not merely a feeling. For love to be fulfilling, it has to be carried out in practice, it has to have life in an action.
Love is a choice, because if we say love is practical, then that action needs intention and a willingness to perform it. To truly love, you have to choose to love.
Love is commitment, it will not always feel good, but it will hold on through thick and thin, believing in the good.
Today’s post is to make you aware of this confusion, that people might have different ideas on what it means to love and this can make it hard for us to understand, experience and believe in love. Second, it is to challenge you to now go and start these conversations in your relationships, ask the people who say they love you, what do they really mean when they say that. And ask yourself too, what is your definition of love?
Imagine how much easier it would be for us to learn how to love if we began with a shared definition.
- bell hooks, all about love.