Words

To keep the world spinning.

I’ve been meaning to write. And every Thursday, I stare at the computer screen, writing whole pages, but in the end, I press delete. All the sweet and raw words I want to write to you, I wish you could see all the words that never made it to your inbox. my sentences don’t seem to come out coherently, could be the noise from the bar next to us, could be the noise from my own head. Sometimes Im overwhelmed by tragedies around the world, sometimes im overjoyed by the sugar feel in my blood. I do the dishes at 11pm some nights, and im sometimes convinced that this is how we keep the world spinning. Service, touch, Jesus.

Learning how to come up for air in my swimming classes feels like going up against gravity. Could we swim in a river in Karlovac when im good enough someday? I’ll pose like Lizzy McAlpine on her album cover. Wet hair, white bra, and eyes that feel like they could summon the river to flow into them instead of the sea. Until I learn how to come up for air, be patient with me.

Outside of the water, im breathing just fine. My kinky hair growing longer, tightly coiled, like raging roots. My friend wears a new perfume which smells like dark chocolate, and in some weird way it makes me think of earth. And earth makes me think of the dirt, and in some of my thoughts I eat the dirt, and to clinically explain it, it’s just an anemic impulse. my pills taste like iron, like iron with a little bit of rust. i go for silly walks in the evenings, spotting things growing apart-- like cracks in concrete separating land, and things tethered-- like lovers holding hands.

I love writing to you, im just afraid of your interpretation of my words. It's mad work to put my heart out like this, no matter how little or much you have seen of it. but as I said, im sometimes convinced this is how we keep the world spinning. Service, touch, Jesus.

And so I pray, that all my words are well interpreted.

Amen.